They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Not today
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂