Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

how much for the angry fruit?

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations