They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
