They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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A family that plays together cheats.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.