They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.