They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.