Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?