They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Life with a cat in one tweet
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy