They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
*seductively eats two tums*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
asked my bf how work was today
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested