@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

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@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@rudepundit

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

@Innocent_Knave

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

@Douchekevin

The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex 😉 ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie

@buttsword

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@70Ceeks

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.