Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

😭😭😭

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.