Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

rest in peas

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)