They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
For real 🤣
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
🔥🔥
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens