They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Ummm 😳
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.