They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
me when i see my girls butt
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win