Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*Friend is sinking in quicksand*
Get help before I drown!
*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*
Technically you’re not drow-
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.