@SwartyComedy

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

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@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@robotrowboat

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

@SocialustGal13

News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@thenatewolf

*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-

NATE!

@SamReidSays

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

@mattZillaaaa

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

@TheMichaelRock

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

@eskimo_tekillya

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.