Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

My biological clock is wheezing.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery