Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Blocking someone isn’t enough. You have to hire a bunch of singing clowns to finish the job

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.