They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet