They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
iPhone X
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither