Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

There is wisdom there.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

meow

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.