They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You Might Also Like
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.