they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
just having fun
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*limbos under the caution tape
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.