they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
You Might Also Like
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Aight bet
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia