they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
✌️
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps