Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Shark week, but for squirrels.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?