Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”