They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK