Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.