They’re called werewolves.
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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.