They’re called werewolves.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Alexa: *deep breath*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl