They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it