Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer