They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.