They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit