They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Cha-ching is my safe word
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Goat cheese is for herders.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!