They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Good boy 😂😂
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary