they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
You Might Also Like
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]