They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat