They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Mummies are just super modest zombies