“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”