“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks