they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later