they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
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[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me driving through Toronto
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…