they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
❤️🦆