“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Finally!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
im gay on my mothers side