“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053