They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.