They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.