They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then