They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
he’ll never suspect a thing
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast