They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
You Might Also Like
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?