They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*