Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot