They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.