Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Muppet Screams

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.