They’re not wrong
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Tastes like chicken.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
perfect
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded