They’re not wrong
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
⛄️
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.