They’re not wrong
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now