They’re on their honeymoon
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner