They’re on their honeymoon
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The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?