They’re on their honeymoon
You Might Also Like
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.