Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

6: are snakes just neck?

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION