They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.