They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Waiting for the Charmin
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.