They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Not today
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*