Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

pat pat

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.