Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

no