“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
incredible google review i just found
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt