“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.