Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot