Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

the three branches of government

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”