they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Seems legit
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD