they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I am crying
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Cartman: Respect my
a a
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.