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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.