they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …