They’re really bad with fonts.
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Breaking news:
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol