They’re really bad with fonts.
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.